A wee bit over waiting to get knocked up

We had planned to have another round of embryo transfers this month. I'd started to get pretty excited about it and happy with the anticipation and hope of maybe getting pregnant and having a baby. Having taken a break for soooooo long, it occurred to me that when I rang the fertility specialist's office to book in for the cycle that I should ask if he had holidays planned. Of course, he does, right when I would due to have the embryo transfer.

Bugger! It's definitely at times like these I miss my fallopian tubes and the old fashion way of baby-making.

There is nothing to be done for it, we just have to wait another month. The first chance we have to try again I will probably be 37. That's right, another year will tick over.

I'm trying not to get to hung up on the age thing. I'm trying having a balanced view of all the impacting factors. So the good news is I've been doing really well on the weight loss front. I have lost the 10kgs I set as my birthday target. I have another few weeks before transfer (and my birthday) I am thinking I could loose another 2-4kgs, which surely can only help.

The best part of the weight loss is that I'm generally feeling a lot fitter and healthier. Thinking back to last year I felt so exhausted and run down. This year I've had a lot more energy. I don't want to jinx it, but I haven't even had so much as a sniffle this winter!

Heading into my next transfer I'll be:

1. 1 year older
2. 10 kilos lighter (at least)
3. A tiny bit less crazy/obsessed 
4. A shit tip fitter.

In the balance of things, I feel like it will be in the favour of fertility.

A side thought - how about life without children?

We are definitely still heading down the path of assisted fertility treatment for now, however since February I've started to wonder, would it be okay to not have kids.

The past few months I have been happiest I've been in a long time. It planted a seed in my thoughts. I've lived a basically happy life for nearly 37 years without children, surely I could be happy for another 37 years without children.

There are few examples in my life of women who have not have children. There is my aunty, who like me lost both her fallopian tubes to ectopic pregnancies. From my perspective she seems to have a pretty happy life. None-the-less she has for a long time, let's say since I was about 28, been encouraging me to have children. I was warned about my potential pending infertility doom if I didn't get on have kids. I often enquired how I was supposed to perform this feat, when either single or in unstable relationships? Over the years she has made a comment here and there along the lines of 'you don't want to get my age and not have children'. I know she was making these suggestions/comments out of kindness, but it doesn't paint a rosy picture of life without children.

Really, despite all the changes and 'equality' available for women these days, in my experience most women have had children and most are the primary care takers.

In the past few years I have befriended one of the older ladies at works. She is around my Mum's age, and over the past few months I've found out more and more about her. She was married, but divorced many years ago now. She and her husband decided they didn't want to have children. Eventually, to get the incessant horde who love to ask 'when are you going to start a family?' off her back, she and her former husband told people they couldn't have kids.

Recently I confessed to her that, although I was still trying through IVF to have children that I had been contemplating a life without them, and that it no longer terrified me. Her response was made me tear up. She said she was pleased I felt that way, that without children she had had a full and happy life and if that was how it had to be for us that she was certain I would too.

She is the only person who has spoken to me about having a life without children and painted a rosy picture.